The incedibly mundane and rare ramblings of Benji

Good morning all, It may or may not still be morning when I post this, but it is always morning somewhere I guess. Startling observation skills right? Anyway, I haven't had a cigarette for a little over 7 days. Most of the weird physical symptoms are gone. No tingly fingers. My stomach still feels a bit weird. And strangely suffering shortness of breath now. The excessive mucous has dropped to pre quitting levels, and I'm generally feeling okay. This is not turning out as exciting as I'd hoped. Sorry about that imaginary readers. The main thing that is getting me at the moment is the taste of the inside of my own mouth. It is not flash. I am craving sweet drinks all of the time. Particularly red bull type things. I have avoided them so far, as I don't want to replace one stimulant addiction with another, and add a sugar issue too. What is good for quitting? Doing stuff. Go to the gym, or for a walk. On Friday we went to a waterfall and a small local mountain. There ...

Hi there, It has been a while, so I thought it was time for an update. Also, my need for use of written language has reduced in recent times so I'm using this to practice. Why is that you ask... Many changes have occurred since I was last on here. My long distance relationship has become a short distance one, so the need for letter and email writing has been replaced by the ability to talk to each other every single day. It is a wonderful thing. More on that later. I have also gone from a job that required plenty of reading and writing to one that requires machinery operation. The downside of that being that I am much better at reading and writing than forklift driving. So what has changed in the last couple of month? Pretty much everything. Firstly, moved from Melbourne to Wodonga to live with my wonderful fiancee Jessica. I've started a new job. My parents  came to visit for our engagement party. And, the big news, our engagement party was actually our wedding. Jessic...

Good morning, I had my last cigarette last night, and today began the battle against mental and physical addiction that comes with it. Hardest things so far today were driving to work and my first break. I ate three carrots and a container of nuts, and am wondering what to do with the next 5 minutes. Obviously write a blog I guess. Only physical symptoms so far are a mild headache and tingly fingers. Both are possibly unrelated. Oh, and I ate an apple too. Anyway, back to work. I'll be here again soon.

Do I believe in pre-destination, a divine plan or some other wording for a pre-scripting of events in our life? Not so much, no. Do I believe that when your subconcious has something important to tell you it will throw you a million reminders and hints that it is an important thing to do? Yes. Do we all have some kind of purpose here, however mundane? Not sure. Is my brain telling me to find one? I think so. What is it? I don't know. Is it what I am doing (low level management)? I don't think so. I like real people and hate the dickheads upstairs (whether literally or figuratively) too much. So, what bought this on. I have noticed a lot of posts on both twitter and facebook of various states of religiousity and belief that have basically said "Deity/the universe/the force has a plan/place/job for you. First you have to find it, then you have to do it" and I guess it has made we wonder about the best way to find it. What am I drawn to doing? What injustices do I want...

Good evening people of Earth, Just thinking about this tonight and I wanted to share. I am so super excited about marrying Jessica, and I wanted to share it. As no one knows, because none of you exist, I have been engaged twice before. 'What?' you ask, before exclaiming, 'scandalous!' Yes, it is true. The first time I was engaged I was twenty years old. We'd been dating for a few years and marriage seemed like a logical step. I was pretty much dragged through the process, not offering much in the way of opinion on anything really. Luckily I saw sense (and that she wanted to root one of our friends) and we ended things. She went on to marry the guy in question and they had four kids. They later separated, but you get that. I think deep down I knew we weren't ready, and so did she, which led to the situation being that way. The next time was even weirder. We had lived together for a few years, it seemed like the right thing to do. We never set a date, an...

Good evening all, Surprisingly this isn't a rant about the media. The last couple of days has pushed Mental Health into the spotlight for me, but it seems like no one else noticed. maybe I was just in the right place at the right time. Yesterday on the news they had an article about Ben Cousins and his drug issues, an article about Matthew Newton and bipolar, and a story about a young man who pushed a girl who was trying to suicide by way of a train out of the way. Then this morning I heard a story about the pilot in America who flipped out and started ranting about terrorism and Iraq and Israel in the aisle of the plane. I have no real observation based on this. no witty comments. All it makes me think is that mental health effects us all, and the sooner people realise it the better it can be dealt with by society. Unfortunately most of the reactions I have seen, particularly to Newton/Cousins is that they are dickheads using bullshit excuses for their issues. Fuck man, th...

Good afternoon all, While I contemplate what to have for lunch before I head to the gym, and simultaneously get this computer ready for use by someone who doesn't want to have to deal with all the brokeness I thought I would quickly write a bit about the upcoming week. So, tonight I get to see The Devin Townsend Project again. This is very exciting. I have seen them before, but that does not dull the excitement. Devin is by far my favourite artist. I also get to see them at soundwave on Friday, along with a host of other bands.For the first time in ages I am planning to go to a festival early, to see a band at 11:30ish. Then the week gets really exciting, as it is my darling fiancée's birthday on the coming Monday, so Saturday I am heading up to spend the best part of 5 days with her :D We are also going to be having lunch at a potential wedding venue I believe, which is terribly exciting. I really feel almost like it is the first of her birthdays we are spending togeth...

I just spoke to the love of my life. She is very inspiring to me. Talking to her about what she wants to do with her life makes me think about what I should do with mine. I don't have an answer yet, but I am hoping to find one by exploring myself and my thoughts. I know I want to help people. I know I want to make the world a better place. I have determined that this can be done and it is not an entirely futile endeavour. I have also determined that I don't want to be a mindless drone slaving for wages doing the work of a golem. I will do this, to ensure my survival, and that of my family in the future, but it is not my preference. But what do I want to do. My lovely fiancée has made suggestions, and I will follow them up, I just wanted to write some stuff down to keep my brain orderly. Once again, I will be back later, probably on about something else entirely.

It doesn't get easier. You keep thinking it will, but it doesn't. When you've been with someone for over a year, but you still live 300 km apart, the weeks apart feel like months. The days together feel like minutes. And when things happen, a relatively small distance feels infinite. The time left until you are together doesn't seem to get any shorter either. 5 and a half months feels the same as 6, which felt the same as 6 and a half. The time until you are together trends towards eternity. You think that maybe you should just blow off your lease, your job, all of the agreements and commitments you are slowly working your way through. But I know that I want to move towards a future with my fiancée, not run away from my past. It is a subtle difference, but I am tired of running away. And the Ben that runs away from everything is not the Ben that I want to marry Jessica. I had more, it has gone. Maybe next time Listening to- Ocean Machine. Also- Cooked on Phonics...

As always this may ramble a little. That is in my nature. For anyone who cares I am listening to Ki by The Devin Townsend Project, who I will be seeing in about 2 weeks. That is quite awesome. So, since my last post I have proposed to my darling girlfriend, and long story short she said yes. Short story long we had a picnic near the beach in St Kilda, and I may have delivered quite a dorky proposal. I may have also had a few tears of happiness when she said yes. That night we went and had quite an amazing dinner at Bok Choy Tang in Federation Square. I was initially planning to wait and ask her later in the year, but revelations of my life over the last year, and an amazing formspring answer from DoctorNvrmore made me realise that now is the time. Not just for this but for everything. I think it has always been my nature to wait and wait for better and better data before making decisions and not just following my heart and my instinct. Not anymore. I want to be the best person I can ...

So, today was Australia Day, a day that makes me want to make ridiculous statements to people making ridiculous statements. I don't think I went overboard this year. I did tweet more than usual, but it was mostly just rantypants stuff. It has all led me to further examine my purpose. I know that sounds super mega wanky. Like I arrogantly think I am better than everyone else. I don't. I know I am better than I was in some way, but that is only my opinion too. But I digress. I care about stuff. Everyone knows that. Some of it is crazy, some of it is real. I border on conspiracy theory nutcase sometimes, but I am well aware of it too, which helps.So I guess the issue I am facing is how I turn caring into doing. What are my strengths, and how can I use them to improve the world in some way. See I used to think everything was fucked and that was just how it was, but I am now of the belief that things can change. By improving small things, the world gets better, even if the increas...

Wow, so, 2011 was quite the year for me. A year of all kinds of change and transformation.I feel like a much different person at the start of this year to what I did at the start of last. Firstly, anyone who knew me at the start of last year knew I was over everything. I didn't want a relationship and had mentally doomed myself to being alone forever. I was sad and lonely and I think maybe depressed too. I hated my job and was having anxiety issues. I was overweight, and looking back I don't know if I would have made it through many more years, the size I was. So, what changed. Put simply, everything. At the start of this year I find myself 11 months into a fantastic relationship with someone that I truly hope to spend the rest of my life with. I am fitter and healthier, I weigh 30 kg less than I did, and I am able to keep up with both a 21 year old girlfriend, and her 2 year old daughter. This makes me feel ridiculously happy. I also chucked in the job I hated and got my...